"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised." Psalm 113:3

Friday, July 15, 2011

Firefly Friday. The Seventh. Still Searching.

Truly, what is the matter with me? OK. Maybe don't answer that. I'm just wondering if my continual search for new therapies / treatments / "strategies" to use with Firefly is in an effort to be a good mom and help her interact with her world, or is an effort to make my life easier because it "might" work and make our days less stressful.

Is there a difference?

I know a few weeks ago I had been hit over the head and forced to realize that I needed to stop looking for an answer, for a "fix" for my child. I even have gone back and read my post. I was working on the idea that God gave Firefly to me, and me to her, just as He designed. There was a reason we were in this family together.

That idea was re-presented to me today, at our local homeschool convention. (Don't you just love those, by the way? My favorite part is when I keep hearing the same refrain over and over again from different speakers--God knowing just what I need to hear and effectively screaming it at me!) "It is not our job to fix our children." Thank you, Debbie Strayer.

I agree. I really do. And in my head I think that I'm really at peace with that fact for Firefly. In my heart, evidently, not so much.

Because I'm wondering why, between the last post and this one, have we been to an Acupuncturist and an Osteopath? Why are we participating in new nutritional supplementation, cranio-sacral manipulation, foot detox baths, and fig seeds inside ears?

I am back to: what is the matter with me?

Aside from many of the obvious choices, not really totally relevant to this post, I'm not sure. Is this part of being a mom? I remember our (my) relentless search for a diagnosis for her. Years, this took. I just could not be at peace until I knew / was validated. There was SOMETHING going on with her. I just needed to know what it was.

Quite a far cry from my working days when I would continually preach, "it really doesn't matter what the specific diagnosis is. We are working on the symptoms, and on how to help your child navigate through their daily life." Really? Now I'm a parent, and I can tell you, it does matter what the diagnosis is. At least, it does to me.

Now I am more at peace. I really am. Most days, anyway. But then I hear about someone who tried something that I haven't tried, and had positive results, and then I start my litany of "what if's?" Could this ONE thing be the one that would (forgive me, Lord) fix things? How could I not try it?

So, off we go. Decision made. We are going to try this. Now the second-guessing comes in. How long should we try before we decide to stop? If there are changes, how do I know this is causing them? Could any of this harm her?

Why can't I accept that this is the way God made her?

What is the matter with me?

Here's where I need you guys. Is this a mom thing? Will this search really be relentless, or will it just end when I get my own mind right? I know there are other moms out there with their own special kiddos, and I'd love your input.

In the meantime, the journey continues. I'm not really sure which answer I'm searching for, but I think I'll know it when I find it. And while I wait, I still have one more day of our homeschool convention. Wonder what will be screamed at me tomorrow? I'll keep you posted . . .


  1. Once upon a time I wrote a post. And titled it "Acceptance is a Fickle Beast". That's so the truth, right. My little man's journey has been so wild and bizarre and heartbreaking. My emotions have been on the journey too. Because even though I KNOW that God is Sovereign and that He is Faithful and Good and that He pieced our family together and that His plans are for our good and not our harm... Even though I know all that. More than know...I believe it. Cling to it like my life depends on it. Somedays even to the point of being at real, complete peace. But sometimes...it all sneaks up and sucker punches me in the gut again. I don't think that means I lack faith. It's not really questioning "why" for me. It's just sack-cloth and ashes mourning. Which are part of the curse. Part of the groaning for the day of Redemption... At least that's what I'm coming to wrap my heart around.

    At this point, I've accepted that Trevy's miracle isn't here...but it's There...waiting with Jesus.

    And until then...my poor little heart will keep struggling and groaning and rejoicing and trusting...round and round she goes.



  2. It is natural you do everything you can to help your children. Sometimes the help works (as in the case of my daughter) and sometimes it doesen't (like my son Alex). It is knowing which case it is that is the important thing.

  3. Danielle, you did a great job of wrapping up everything I was trying to talk about in that post! Thanks for relating!

    Phyllis, I really appreciate your words as well.

    Thanks for reading!

  4. I just found your blog and just had to comment here. I have no real advice, just know that it's normal. I do the same thing. I love my son so much just the way he is, but there is some part of me that is always trying to find the "miracle" cure. I want him to have the most fulfilling life he can possibly have. I want him to be the person I know he is deep down inside. It's so hard to dpfind the right balance of loving the, for who they are and helping them to become who you know they can be.

  5. Schooling in the SunJuly 27, 2011 at 10:04 AM

    Thank you, Michelle. It makes such a difference knowing that my feelings aren't so abnormal after all. It's kind of a lonely place to be in sometimes.



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