Truly, what is the matter with me? OK. Maybe don't answer that. I'm just wondering if my continual search for new therapies / treatments / "strategies" to use with Firefly is in an effort to be a good mom and help her interact with her world, or is an effort to make my life easier because it "might" work and make our days less stressful.
Is there a difference?
I know a few weeks ago I had been hit over the head and forced to realize that I needed to stop looking for an answer, for a "fix" for my child. I even have gone back and read my post. I was working on the idea that God gave Firefly to me, and me to her, just as He designed. There was a reason we were in this family together.
That idea was re-presented to me today, at our local homeschool convention. (Don't you just love those, by the way? My favorite part is when I keep hearing the same refrain over and over again from different speakers--God knowing just what I need to hear and effectively screaming it at me!) "It is not our job to fix our children." Thank you, Debbie Strayer.
I agree. I really do. And in my head I think that I'm really at peace with that fact for Firefly. In my heart, evidently, not so much.
Because I'm wondering why, between the last post and this one, have we been to an Acupuncturist and an Osteopath? Why are we participating in new nutritional supplementation, cranio-sacral manipulation, foot detox baths, and fig seeds inside ears?
I am back to: what is the matter with me?
Aside from many of the obvious choices, not really totally relevant to this post, I'm not sure. Is this part of being a mom? I remember our (my) relentless search for a diagnosis for her. Years, this took. I just could not be at peace until I knew / was validated. There was SOMETHING going on with her. I just needed to know what it was.
Quite a far cry from my working days when I would continually preach, "it really doesn't matter what the specific diagnosis is. We are working on the symptoms, and on how to help your child navigate through their daily life." Really? Now I'm a parent, and I can tell you, it does matter what the diagnosis is. At least, it does to me.
Now I am more at peace. I really am. Most days, anyway. But then I hear about someone who tried something that I haven't tried, and had positive results, and then I start my litany of "what if's?" Could this ONE thing be the one that would (forgive me, Lord) fix things? How could I not try it?
So, off we go. Decision made. We are going to try this. Now the second-guessing comes in. How long should we try before we decide to stop? If there are changes, how do I know this is causing them? Could any of this harm her?
Why can't I accept that this is the way God made her?
What is the matter with me?
Here's where I need you guys. Is this a mom thing? Will this search really be relentless, or will it just end when I get my own mind right? I know there are other moms out there with their own special kiddos, and I'd love your input.
In the meantime, the journey continues. I'm not really sure which answer I'm searching for, but I think I'll know it when I find it. And while I wait, I still have one more day of our homeschool convention. Wonder what will be screamed at me tomorrow? I'll keep you posted . . .